The Day I Stopped Asking

It’s a day that is forever etched in my heart.
I was seven weeks pregnant, and had been spotting and cramping for four days.
I had just received the call from my doctor
that my blood work showed that my hCG levels were dropping and I was, in fact, losing the baby.

I was at the grocery store standing in the middle of the cereal aisle,
bleeding, hurting, and heartbroken,
when a friend’s dad walked around the corner and began telling me about how
he had a new grandbaby and another on the way.

Then he spoke the words that are so common here in the south.
Words that I have spoken myself.
“When are y’all going to have another one?  It’s about time!”
….I died inside….

 I know that he didn’t mean any harm,
and I politely replied, “Oh, we’ll see”.
But it was all I could do to not scream out loud.
I held back my tears and walked to my car in a fog.

That was the day I stopped asking my friends when they plan to have a baby.
It’s so innocent, but can be such a loaded question.
You never, never know what someone is going through.
How desperately they have tried and wept and prayed for a baby.
How heartbroken they are that a precious life is fleeting from their body at that very moment.

The last month has been such a trying season for us.
Our second baby would have been born just before Christmas,
but didn’t survive past our first trimester.
So it was such a blessing when we found out in early December
that we were due again in August 2017!

Even though I thoroughly enjoyed every moment with my family over Christmas,
and had hope knowing that we would be blessed with another baby in August,
I’ve felt the loss of the newborn baby I should be holding so acutely I couldn’t breathe at times.

We have suffered our second miscarriage over the last week, and I don’t even know how I feel.
It seems like when you’re in the middle of the storm,
everyone and everything you see revolves around pregnancy.
I’ve already been asked once this week when I’m going to make Creek a big brother.
If it were up to me, he would already be one.

But I’m not privy to God’s plans.
I only know that he has them and that they are for my good.
I would be lying if I said that I haven’t looked to heaven in anger and despair,
but I make myself return to His words that have never failed me before.

I have to believe that someday I will be holding a baby who I could never imagine life without,
and who I wouldn’t have known if others hadn’t been lost before it.

 

11 comments

  1. Amanda Allman says:

    I was asked this so many times in the ten years my husband and I have been married. It is heartbreaking because I was praying for an opportunity to become pregnant. With my disability I didn’t know if I could even get pregnant. Having someone ask you over and over when you’re going to become a parent and have to pretend like that question doesn’t bother you is tiring. I feel for you Caitlin and I’m so very sorry for your losses. I will keep you in my prayers.

    • Caitlin says:

      Thank you so much. I love seeing pictures of your sweet girl, so happy for you and Ben <3
      And how amazing is your crib?! That's the neatest thing I've seen in a long time!

      • Amanda says:

        Thanks so much! Yes, now if I can just get her to sleep in the crib lol. I love reading your blog and seeing your Creek grow.

  2. Michelle says:

    It will happen…..God has his timeline. I know that doesn’t make it any easier.

    Romans 15:13 “May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

    We love you….❤🙏

  3. BK says:

    God’s plan I was only blessed with one. Then my one God’s plan was for her no children. The most important thing that I did right in my life will never have a life growing within. I know God is in charge & knows our life’s plan. But you know sometimes it’s so hard to except his plans. I know you are strong just know it is okay to be weak sometimes. Lifting you up in my prayers.

  4. Renee Hodges says:

    How beautifully stated. Having never been through the loss of a baby I cannot begin to completely understand, but I have felt the pain of that desire and the heartbreak thy comes month after month of trying to become a mother and never having it happen. In God’s time…..

  5. Tammy Kerley says:

    Sweet Kaitlyn and Dustin know the heartbreak that you feel. The anger also that you don’t know who to take it out on and not those that you love but where do you turn because of how you feel inside. My heart breaks for you as I just read this I’ve been in the same place that you are right now. I know for sure you turn to those that you love and let them hold you tight. There will be that anger times that you feel inside and ask God why even though that’s not what we are to do. It is the human side of us but also know that in God’s time and plan he has a special One that he is planning just for the three of you to add to your family. My love and prayers to both of you and all the other family members.

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